Wielgusmark.com 1,000,000 Visitors and Counting!!!

March 1st, 2010 § 95

Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Internet.  Thank you, world.  Thank you, Wielgus Mark Fan Alliance.  Thank you, me for if it wasn’t for your brilliance and ingenuity none of this would be possible.  But especially, thank you call center team in Bangalore who I hired for a special “side project” (But don’t stop to read, boys.  Keep refreshing.  Keep Refreshing.  Remember, you get a Sacajawea gold dollar when we get to two million).

Ok, I lied.

It’s actually 100 visitors…

With an 82.7% bounce rate…

My Google Analytics page has defaulted to a giant middle finger…

So thank you, Google :W  And while I have your attention, I’m really glad Buzz and Wave have immediately lived up to their potential :W

I am a man of simple means and a good heart and I will refuse to let arbitrary statistics drag down what is my God-given right to create punctuation marks out of thin air and force my friends to use them.  Besides, who are we to try to put a tape measure on the Wielgus Mark’s success?   The Wielgus Mark can’t be tamed by mortal means.  The Wielgus Mark’s true depth, value, and influence on modern cyber-culture goes beyond page views or number of Diggs (0) or Reddit up arrows (0) or amount of money you’re raking in selling ad space (-$500) – Hey, you can’t tell me my pending ad on the Righteous Brothers’ official website won’t pay off.  In fact, I dare say it is the wisest investment I’ve made since getting “Jet Fuel Only” tattooed on my left testicle when I turned 18 (Thanks, Mom for the birthday money!!).

Just because you can’t put numbers on it yet, doesn’t mean that the chances for success are lost.  Better said, the Wielgus Mark is success waiting in the wings.  And best said, it’s a rumbling Nor’easter, simply bubbling and burbling and swirling as meteorologists rifle through their shoe boxes of computer models and Tarot cards trying to divine one solitary tidbit that sheds insight to the true power of the impending storm.

“Oooh,” the people say, “those clouds on the horizon sure do look ominous.”

“Damn straight they do,” says Farmer Crosby, “I dunno how bad its gonna storm but its gonna pack quite the wallop.  Also, I betcha $10 you can’t use ominous in a non-weather related sentence.”

My friends, the easiest observation ever made was most likely something uttered by John Madden.  The second easiest observation ever made was that when Al Gore graced us with the Internet, the world around us changed drastically.  The Democratization of communication, publishing, political commentary, and yes, even pornography dramatically altered our world in great, bizarre, and horrifically grotesque ways (C’mon who gave Ann Coulter a website?).  In all ways imaginable, the Internet is the wild, final frontier, and I, its Jean-Luc Piccard stoically standing on the bridge of the USS Wielgus Mark chugging along at sub-warp speed.

“Stardate 1329.5.  The USS :W continues its aimless quest for fame, fortune, and moderate Internet celebrity. Before we continue, a couple orders of business.  Guy from Reading Rainbow, give me those sweet glasses.  Engine guy, please put a bag on Lt. Worf’s head.  There’s absolutely no way I’m looking at that for the rest of this stardate…or at least get him in contact with Jerry Jones’ plastic surgeon.  It is time we stop meandering through cyberspace and warp-speed to the glory waiting for us on horizon.  Warp-speed, androgynous robot person! Let’s fly the Wielgus Mark to triumph!!”

I, like you, dream of a day where the oral tradition of Sarcasm finds re-birth on the interwebs.  My people, I can’t tell you much but I can tell you we’re close.   The Internet is a harsh and cruel jungle but the rewards for the creative, unique, and ingenious are bountiful.

Yes, Internet, you care to speak?

http://www.sarcmark.com

Damnit.  You’re kidding me right?

Reject from a Twilight casting call, power down the thrusters.  We’ve got some thinking to do.

In two days time, we attack.

Yours in love and war,

:W

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