:W

Well Internet,

There are some days where I sit down and I look at you and you look at me and everything that needs to be said falls into place.  Words and ideas come tumbling from my fingertips and electronic ink spills onto the page in ever-perfect Calibri font (nice work Bill Gates, you finally got something right :W).  Then there are other days where I sit down and I look at you and you look at me and no magic ever comes of the whole interaction.  We just sit.  And stare.  And let the awkwardness build between us.  With each passing second the pressure builds as well as implores a comment or observation of ever-increasing wit and hilarity.  This is an experience I have seen often in my life, in fact, most recently after the following conversation I had on a first date:

Me: Yeah, you know I just can’t effectively pull-off the drive and text.

Her: Oh, that’s easy.  I do that all the time.  You’re just not much of a multitasker.  Guys aren’t good multitaskers.  It’s true.

Me: Well, I can grab my crotch and fart at the same time, so I don’t think multitasking is the issue [:W]

Of course, she never saw the Wielgus Mark, for the Wielgus Mark had yet to be invented.  Sarcasm, once again, was confused and understood to be idle banter.  With this one, my heart never had a chance to flutter and flip and throb and do whatever it is love does to a heart.  With this one, it was a just few minutes of cheap talk and then one fell, simultaneous crushing stomp to my ego and left ventricle (the love ventricle).  She intentionally sunk the eight ball and exited, never again to be seen by mine eyes.  From that day forward, I vowed to never to do first dates on Yahoo! Pool again.

Necessity is the mother of invention.  And Jack Nicholson’s mother was his sister.  And I can sit here and state facts all day, (I just bought two crates of Snapple from BJ’s), but the fact of the matter is the empire I set out to build with the Wielgus Mark is in jeopardy.  The SarcMark is a stately, professional, opposing foe and I a lowly blogger sniveling for scraps, surviving only by my wit and ability to afford the $9.95 a month hosting fees. The SarcMark’s mere presence worries me….a feeling that my massive ego has never allowed me to feel.   I’m a man at a crossroads desperately looking for answers.  Dangling my soul as a carrot, I even petitioned the Devil for some resolution, some glimmer of hope (as a crossroads is apparently the eBay for soul selling).  But, can you believe it?  Even the Devil was cashed out of favors.  “No Deal!” he hissed with a voice that sounded surprisingly a lot like Batman’s – Not the Christian Bale one, the George Clooney one.  Yeah, I know I was pretty surprised too – and scampered off, pockets bulging full with the souls of Robert Johnson, Daniel Johnston, and Ralph Macchio.

Sure, your punctuation mark has been in development for eight years (and mine I figured out after a night of heavy drinking and cheese fries), but, SarcMark, you know, you and I aren’t that different.  We both have our eyes set on fame and success.  We’re young, smart, funny, innovative (Well, I’m younger, smarter, funnier, and more innovative; however, don’t worry you’re good at what you do too.)  And we both used our talents to identify a desperate need, a rare void in a universe of information and ceaseless communication.  And what did we do?  We addressed this need competently and absolutely.  I applaud you SarcMark.  But now we stand here, staring face to face on the sun-baked desert street of the Internet Superhighway.  Ready to draw, my fingers flitter readily above my holsters.  It’s only seconds before High Noon and my mind reverberates with the sounds of the past and faint whispers from Cort about “the click before the strike.” SarcMark, how do you feel?  Is your gun clean?  Aim steady? My aim is true SarcMark, always has, always will be.  When the smoke dissipates and the dust finally settles there will be one Sarcasm punctuation mark to rule them all and the spoils of Internet celebrity to relish in.

This must be the Nihilist in me speaking, but I guess in the end, it doesn’t really matter, you know.  We are all fighting for the same thing.  And that is freedom.  Freedom of expression.  Freedom of thought.  Freedom to speak your mind and touch the funny bone of others using increasingly more insulting and anti-social remarks.  The existence of Sarcasm in the real world is not a luxury but a right, forged by the development of human communication, and its use should not be limited or put at a premium simply because Sarcasm does not fit neatly in the confines of electronic communication.  Right, SarcMark?  Do you feel me?  It is these tenets to which we prescribe and deliver Sarcasm to all who wish to use it.

….For $1.99?!?!?

Are you kidding me?  You’re actually selling the SarcMark.  And it’s working?  You can buy a breakfast at Denny’s for that much.  SarcMark, you are not the punctuation mark I thought you were!  You go out there selling what could (and should) be had for free!  That’s dishonorable and disgraceful.  You’ve lowered yourselves to the level of Evian, Aquafina, and the guy who sells Clipper Magazine for a quarter in the train station.

Wait, you what?  You’ve sold thousands of them?  THOUSANDS of them?  You mean actual real people, with money, are buying into this thing….this FARCE?

Goddamn, why didn’t I think of that?

So you’re telling me that while I sit alone furiously pecking away at a keyboard with one hand and scraping dried nacho cheese off of a microwaveable plate with the other, the SarcMark executives are fleeting around town delighting themselves in pleasures of the flesh with media moguls, the glitterati, and the guys who write the Apokalips webcomic?

There is only one way to answer such obvious irresponsibility, gross negligence, and contempt for the working class.  Comrades, the freedom of the people is a natural right held by the throat by the powers that be.  The Internet, the Great Democratizer, broke down the barriers to self-expression set by social acceptance, the FCC, and public decency rul….

Yes, Internet.  You interrupt me again?  Listen, you interrupting me mid-blog is getting old.  Not only for me but also for the reader (Hi, Mom).  I know, at the beginning it was cute and borderline creative, but this is like the third time in a row this has happened.  Never mind, what do you want?

http://opensarcasm.org/

For reazy?  Ugh, they even took my pseudo-Marxist theme for my rant.  Jesus.  After all that time I spent researching…  I took that online course on Political Economics from Devry.  And I read Socialist literature.  Do you have any idea how painstakingly boring the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital were to read?  Then, of course, I watched Marx’s masterpiece, Duck Soup, and that was just a very confusing experience.  Really didn’t tie up any loose ends from Das Kapital’s cliffhanger.

Touché, open sarcasm guys.  At least you guys seem to indentify with and be a little more inline with the cause as I see it.

It’ll be too bad when the Wielgus Mark crushes you and leaves you in its wake.

‘Till another day.

In Sarcasm we trust,

:W

Can’t get enough Sarcasm and wit here?

Do you dream of indulging yourself in torrents of Sarcasm?

Don’t have the attention span or knowledge of obscure 90s movies and literary references to keep up with the Wielgusmark.com’s lengthy, self-indulgent blog posts?

Well, why didn’t you say so earlier?

Have no fear, simple readers, The Wielgus Mark Twitter page is your source for all things Sarcastic, brilliant, hilariously obscure, obscurely hilarious, vaguely funny, and grossly inappropriate just in “Fun Size” bundles of caustic wit.

Often groundbreaking, occasionally mundane, this is the perfect site for you if you are incredibly bored at your job or if you ever imagined getting your face-melted by twitter posts.

http://www.twitter.com/thewielgusmark Also, see our RSS Feed —>

Party on,

:W

Thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, Internet.  Thank you, world.  Thank you, Wielgus Mark Fan Alliance.  Thank you, me for if it wasn’t for your brilliance and ingenuity none of this would be possible.  But especially, thank you call center team in Bangalore who I hired for a special “side project” (But don’t stop to read, boys.  Keep refreshing.  Keep Refreshing.  Remember, you get a Sacajawea gold dollar when we get to two million).

Ok, I lied.

It’s actually 100 visitors…

With an 82.7% bounce rate…

My Google Analytics page has defaulted to a giant middle finger…

So thank you, Google :W  And while I have your attention, I’m really glad Buzz and Wave have immediately lived up to their potential :W

I am a man of simple means and a good heart and I will refuse to let arbitrary statistics drag down what is my God-given right to create punctuation marks out of thin air and force my friends to use them.  Besides, who are we to try to put a tape measure on the Wielgus Mark’s success?   The Wielgus Mark can’t be tamed by mortal means.  The Wielgus Mark’s true depth, value, and influence on modern cyber-culture goes beyond page views or number of Diggs (0) or Reddit up arrows (0) or amount of money you’re raking in selling ad space (-$500) – Hey, you can’t tell me my pending ad on the Righteous Brothers’ official website won’t pay off.  In fact, I dare say it is the wisest investment I’ve made since getting “Jet Fuel Only” tattooed on my left testicle when I turned 18 (Thanks, Mom for the birthday money!!).

Just because you can’t put numbers on it yet, doesn’t mean that the chances for success are lost.  Better said, the Wielgus Mark is success waiting in the wings.  And best said, it’s a rumbling Nor’easter, simply bubbling and burbling and swirling as meteorologists rifle through their shoe boxes of computer models and Tarot cards trying to divine one solitary tidbit that sheds insight to the true power of the impending storm.

“Oooh,” the people say, “those clouds on the horizon sure do look ominous.”

“Damn straight they do,” says Farmer Crosby, “I dunno how bad its gonna storm but its gonna pack quite the wallop.  Also, I betcha $10 you can’t use ominous in a non-weather related sentence.”

My friends, the easiest observation ever made was most likely something uttered by John Madden.  The second easiest observation ever made was that when Al Gore graced us with the Internet, the world around us changed drastically.  The Democratization of communication, publishing, political commentary, and yes, even pornography dramatically altered our world in great, bizarre, and horrifically grotesque ways (C’mon who gave Ann Coulter a website?).  In all ways imaginable, the Internet is the wild, final frontier, and I, its Jean-Luc Piccard stoically standing on the bridge of the USS Wielgus Mark chugging along at sub-warp speed.

“Stardate 1329.5.  The USS :W continues its aimless quest for fame, fortune, and moderate Internet celebrity. Before we continue, a couple orders of business.  Guy from Reading Rainbow, give me those sweet glasses.  Engine guy, please put a bag on Lt. Worf’s head.  There’s absolutely no way I’m looking at that for the rest of this stardate…or at least get him in contact with Jerry Jones’ plastic surgeon.  It is time we stop meandering through cyberspace and warp-speed to the glory waiting for us on horizon.  Warp-speed, androgynous robot person! Let’s fly the Wielgus Mark to triumph!!”

I, like you, dream of a day where the oral tradition of Sarcasm finds re-birth on the interwebs.  My people, I can’t tell you much but I can tell you we’re close.   The Internet is a harsh and cruel jungle but the rewards for the creative, unique, and ingenious are bountiful.

Yes, Internet, you care to speak?

http://www.sarcmark.com

Damnit.  You’re kidding me right?

Reject from a Twilight casting call, power down the thrusters.  We’ve got some thinking to do.

In two days time, we attack.

Yours in love and war,

:W

Sooo..

I was watching MTV Tres today…

Wait, let me repeat that for emphasis

I was WATCHING MTV TRES today — Yes, it was that brutal of a weekend.  I mean in my defense, Pink’s Behind the Music was on and ever since I laid eyes on Leif Garrett’s Behind the Music in sixth grade I’ve been a sucker for all things Behind the Music related. Is it thoughtless entertainment feeding off our society’s obsession with celebrity?  Of course it is.  But 1) What isn’t  2)  I mean what do you expect from MTV Tres 3) Also, what else was I going to watch early afternoon on Saturday?  Women’s Nordic Combined?  A Jeff Goldblum movie on premium cable? please.  I’m so above that — and the following commercial came on during a break.

Now I know normal humor blog-protocal with link-centerd posts is to provide some set up, include some thoughts, ridicule it mercilessly, throw in random movie references etc. etc.  But I’m not going to do that.  Because anything I say can in no way make this video more hilarious or awesome or some third thing.  In fact, I’ve already spoke to much.

Slap Chop Commercial

Finally, watching MTV Tres has finally paid off.

:W

Internet,

Holy Moses! Holy Archemedes’ tail feathers! Great Oden’s Raven! Holy Jayson Werth’s Beard!! (there we go).  It has been mere days since I modestly released the Wielgus Mark and, like an incensed Bengal Tiger in musk, it has taken off and rabidly torn through the dense jungle of the World Wide Web.  The blogosphere is a-twittering with reckless abandon about the wonders and mysteries of the Wielgus Mark.  Oh Happy Day!  Oh Joyous Farce!  Wielgus Mark, you alone have brought the information super-highway to a crashing halt!  Revelers and newly deemed devotees together have pulled aside at the “:W scenic overlook” to soak in the glorious glow of the Wielgus Mark.  They drone on with their “Oooohs” and “Aaaaahs,” as the information super-highway creeps ever closer to 56K speed.  “I never knew Sarcasm could be so….so…. clear,” they drool.  Well, drink it in my friends, some say it’s the mountain air, but its simply just a little common sense, a thimble of genius, and a punctuation mark with a clearly defined meaning…  Nothing more than that (and a lot more than can be said for those weird brackets with the pointy things on them  {  } What the hell are they for?).

In the throes of it all I am bursting with modesty.  Exploding into International Internet Superstardom was always a realistic and achievable goal of mine – more of a daydream or passing thought than anything else (What do I really dream about you ask?  Growing facial hair, Eagles’ Super Bowls, full-contact curling, and convincing Giada De Laurentiis to make me dinner).  It’s easy enough to stay level-headed when its only children asking you for your autograph… but the Wielgus Mark has created a legend in its own right, one far surpassing anything our world has ever seen – or at least seen since Pre-What Women Want Mel Gibson.  How am I supposed to act like a normal schmuck when both Ke$ha and Taylor Swift have written songs about their love for me?  Of course I’m not (though, restraining orders will be coming shortly, ladies).  How am I supposed to go about a typical evening of cheap whiskey and blogging when Hayden Panetierri is flooding my mailbox with love letters?  How do I ignore that?  The answer is I don’t. I can’t. I just have to arm myself with military-grade tear gas because her boyfriend is massive.  All these milestones to stardom have been well and good, but I never knew I made it until I received this, from the gold standard of celebrity:

The hair America loves.  The face rumored to be blessed by God himself.  The orange glow we all wish we had.  And the Wielgus Mark on the six most expensive pieces of real estate in New Jersey not owned by Donald Trump.  The Situation!  You Sly Devil!

I’m shaking and shivering and breaking-out in fits of euphoric vertigo.  Such great fame was never meant to be handled by one man alone.  Danny Bonaduce, Gary Busey, William Hung, Verne Troyer, these are all great men who rose to superstardom only to come crashing down in a grotesque spiral of drugs and reality television stints.  But what does that mean?  Is fame actually the demon?  The drug where each progressive hit drives a man to higher highs but then, once fame expires, the crushing collapse begins with a hunger for more, delusions of the past, and an eventual hangover with the only exit seeming to be rebirth and a Born Again Christian membership card.  Or is Fate more Arthurian?  Could it be that those who are truly destined for greatness are the only ones capable of weathering this violent storm of fame and temptation?  But again, we are left to our own fac….

Internet?  You speak?  Wait, what?  Wielgus Mark?  The Wielgus Mark did what?  No it can’t be.  Why?  Surely, I have taught you to never sully the name of the Wielgus Mark in such a way….

Fans.  In a PR nightmare, scandal has rocked the halls of the Wielgus Mark offices (first floor bathroom).  Today, it has been rumored that the Wielgus Mark has been linked to a salacious affair with Tiger Woods.  Internet, I have warned the adoring fans that their imaginations and faith in the existence of good in the world will soon be crushed.  Let’s see this damning evidence and assume an inevitable Apocalypse:

Oh come on!  All that is, is a picture of the Wielgus Mark’s shapely, plastic surgery-enhanced, female body.  I know, I know, I liked the Wielgus Mark as a natural beauty too.  Sometimes fame just goes straight to the head and you know, these days you have all these emoticons and animated emoticons it’s very difficult to compete in the market.  I know really, there’s no such thing as talent any more, it’s a shame really.

But it’s a picture, not proof.  Wait, there are texts?!  You have texts?  Between Rachel Uchitel and Tiger?  Implicating the Wielgus Mark?  Ok….I’m over it.  I’m a sucker for the texts:

Tiger: Wat r u wearing?

Uchitel: Aviators

Tiger: Oh, that’s real sexy :W

Uchitel: So is your personality :W

Well, I guess it could be worse.  I mean, I don’t know about “PR Nightmare” per say.  It was nice to validate our fame, social status, and self-worth by being used by the best golfer in the world… and I’m sure Ms. Uchitel is very talented at things too (Win-Win?).  Unfortunately, this completely ruins a lot of the work our marketing team has been doing making inroads with families and the Christian-right.

Wait…

Oh, you know what, that makes perfect sense, Darwin.  Humans must have evolved from monkeys, there’s absolutely no other way to explain it :W

Good thinking, Wielgus Mark.  That will hold the savages at bay for a while.  Whew! PR catastrophe averted.

We Live Another Day,

:W

Internet,

(This blog is a multimedia experience.  Listen to the following link while reading this post: O fortuna)

The Art of Sarcasm is one that has been an integral development in the history of human communication.  Though the emergence and popularization of its use is unknown, I suspect it originated soon after the emergence of the pun in the early years of human history:

Adam: (to Eve) Haha well, why don’t you make like the Tree of Knowledge and leave?

Eve: Oh, that’s original.  That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

Adam: Man, you’re mean.  Geez, of all the people I had to be locked in a garden with for eternity….

With roots in the Old Testament, Dianetics, and other old book-like things, sarcasm has seasoned our vocabulary, deepened the emotional value of conversation, ruined borderline friendships, and has created new ones from their ashes.  However, with the recent shift towards electronic messaging, this art of self-expression is now in serious danger.  Vocal nuance is a necessary environmental characteristic for sarcasm to effectively thrive.  Nonetheless, it is a characteristic noticeably absent from current modes of electronic communication.  How many times have you written an e-mail or text or instant message where sarcasm is lost on the recipient? Millions? Billions? The result of the interaction is confusing and potentially devastating: awkward silence, non-response, your friend thinks that you’re seriously into some hard drugs.  The permutations of potential heinous results are infinite.  If this Internet thing is here to stay, it is only a matter of time before the slow erosion of sarcasm as an art form leads to a final fatal slip from social relevance.

But do we want sarcasm to die?  No.  Of course not.  In fact, we love sarcasm.  But sometimes we are powerless to what the future beholds and what we love is coldly torn from our clutches by the Fates.  It’s like at the end of Titanic when Kate Winslet promises to “never let go” and then immediately lets Leo sink to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean.  At that point, everything changed for Kate.  It didn’t matter how vividly she remembered those nights frolicking on the decks of a luxury cruise liner or dancing cultural dances with the commoners in the lower decks or that time, after much begging, pleading, and Jell-O shots (watch the director’s cut), she let Leo draw her wearing only the Heart of the Ocean (Yeah, ok Leo you’re an “artist”).  The scene ends with poor, frigid Kate all alone, her hands filled only of dreams and ice water, while her love sank to the Arctic’s chilliest depths to become Narwhal food.

Tragic, huh?

Well Sarcasm, I’m here.  And, Sarcasm, I’ll actually never let go….of you.

My friends, have no fear because today is the dawning of a new age.  An age where Sarcasm gains its freedom from the interwebs and is no longer forced to sit idly by as you Gchat and IM and do whatever it is you do on Blackberrys.  Internet, today I introduce you to the “Wielgus Mark” (:W) to be the end punctuation point for all YOUR Sarcastic electronic remarks so you can be just as much of a jerk electronically as you are in real life!!!

Yeah Bra, sorry I can’t grab beers tonight.  I Tivo’d Johnny Wier’s long program and have been jonesin’ to watch it all day :W

Yeah man, great pick up!  The neon fanny pack is definitely making its way back :W

I think John Cusack should do more action movies :W

Taylor Swift is freakin’ awesome…

See, Taylor Swift is freakin’ awesome.  That’s an undeniable truth, so no Wielgus Mark needed.  Also, see how easily you can switch from Sarcasm to normal speech?  Seamless.

Well, disciples, it is now that I turn to you.  For alone, I cannot spread the joys and wonders of the Wielgus Mark.  Spread the word.  Send out a fever-storm of texts and IMs and Gchats bursting at the seams with caustic and hilarious Sarcasm.  Infuse your everyday speech with the Wielgus Mark:

You: Wielgus Mark!!!

Random Person: What the hell are you talking about?  Are you insane?

You: No, are you insane :W

Random Person: (enlightenment)

Go out of your way….go the extra mile to find and accentuate Sarcasm in your everyday life.  If you have friends, tell them.  If you don’t have friends, tell random people.  If you don’t have friends and have agoraphobia use the Internet (see blogging).  Text it.  E-mail it. Write it on a sign and hold up the sign every time you say something sarcastic like that annoying All American Rejects music video (You guys are sooo deep :W).  If you have a mountain, climb it, and scream the values of the Wielgus Mark from its peak.  Soon you will realize how illogical the “screaming from the top of a mountain” metaphor really is and that if you do indeed do this, absolutley nobody can hear you except your Sherpa.  However, I’m not saying don’t do it.  In fact, I’ll be the first to applaud you for your commitment, just only after you climb back down.  And so the whole risking your life for the Cause isn’t entirely futile, while you’re up there make a Facebook status update along the lines of: “I have seen the top of the world and the Wielgus Mark is the truth :W” That would do just fine.

Your courageous leader,

:W