A Dawning of a New Age

February 22nd, 2010 § 10

Internet,

(This blog is a multimedia experience.  Listen to the following link while reading this post: O fortuna)

The Art of Sarcasm is one that has been an integral development in the history of human communication.  Though the emergence and popularization of its use is unknown, I suspect it originated soon after the emergence of the pun in the early years of human history:

Adam: (to Eve) Haha well, why don’t you make like the Tree of Knowledge and leave?

Eve: Oh, that’s original.  That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

Adam: Man, you’re mean.  Geez, of all the people I had to be locked in a garden with for eternity….

With roots in the Old Testament, Dianetics, and other old book-like things, sarcasm has seasoned our vocabulary, deepened the emotional value of conversation, ruined borderline friendships, and has created new ones from their ashes.  However, with the recent shift towards electronic messaging, this art of self-expression is now in serious danger.  Vocal nuance is a necessary environmental characteristic for sarcasm to effectively thrive.  Nonetheless, it is a characteristic noticeably absent from current modes of electronic communication.  How many times have you written an e-mail or text or instant message where sarcasm is lost on the recipient? Millions? Billions? The result of the interaction is confusing and potentially devastating: awkward silence, non-response, your friend thinks that you’re seriously into some hard drugs.  The permutations of potential heinous results are infinite.  If this Internet thing is here to stay, it is only a matter of time before the slow erosion of sarcasm as an art form leads to a final fatal slip from social relevance.

But do we want sarcasm to die?  No.  Of course not.  In fact, we love sarcasm.  But sometimes we are powerless to what the future beholds and what we love is coldly torn from our clutches by the Fates.  It’s like at the end of Titanic when Kate Winslet promises to “never let go” and then immediately lets Leo sink to the bottom of the Arctic Ocean.  At that point, everything changed for Kate.  It didn’t matter how vividly she remembered those nights frolicking on the decks of a luxury cruise liner or dancing cultural dances with the commoners in the lower decks or that time, after much begging, pleading, and Jell-O shots (watch the director’s cut), she let Leo draw her wearing only the Heart of the Ocean (Yeah, ok Leo you’re an “artist”).  The scene ends with poor, frigid Kate all alone, her hands filled only of dreams and ice water, while her love sank to the Arctic’s chilliest depths to become Narwhal food.

Tragic, huh?

Well Sarcasm, I’m here.  And, Sarcasm, I’ll actually never let go….of you.

My friends, have no fear because today is the dawning of a new age.  An age where Sarcasm gains its freedom from the interwebs and is no longer forced to sit idly by as you Gchat and IM and do whatever it is you do on Blackberrys.  Internet, today I introduce you to the “Wielgus Mark” (:W) to be the end punctuation point for all YOUR Sarcastic electronic remarks so you can be just as much of a jerk electronically as you are in real life!!!

Yeah Bra, sorry I can’t grab beers tonight.  I Tivo’d Johnny Wier’s long program and have been jonesin’ to watch it all day :W

Yeah man, great pick up!  The neon fanny pack is definitely making its way back :W

I think John Cusack should do more action movies :W

Taylor Swift is freakin’ awesome…

See, Taylor Swift is freakin’ awesome.  That’s an undeniable truth, so no Wielgus Mark needed.  Also, see how easily you can switch from Sarcasm to normal speech?  Seamless.

Well, disciples, it is now that I turn to you.  For alone, I cannot spread the joys and wonders of the Wielgus Mark.  Spread the word.  Send out a fever-storm of texts and IMs and Gchats bursting at the seams with caustic and hilarious Sarcasm.  Infuse your everyday speech with the Wielgus Mark:

You: Wielgus Mark!!!

Random Person: What the hell are you talking about?  Are you insane?

You: No, are you insane :W

Random Person: (enlightenment)

Go out of your way….go the extra mile to find and accentuate Sarcasm in your everyday life.  If you have friends, tell them.  If you don’t have friends, tell random people.  If you don’t have friends and have agoraphobia use the Internet (see blogging).  Text it.  E-mail it. Write it on a sign and hold up the sign every time you say something sarcastic like that annoying All American Rejects music video (You guys are sooo deep :W).  If you have a mountain, climb it, and scream the values of the Wielgus Mark from its peak.  Soon you will realize how illogical the “screaming from the top of a mountain” metaphor really is and that if you do indeed do this, absolutley nobody can hear you except your Sherpa.  However, I’m not saying don’t do it.  In fact, I’ll be the first to applaud you for your commitment, just only after you climb back down.  And so the whole risking your life for the Cause isn’t entirely futile, while you’re up there make a Facebook status update along the lines of: “I have seen the top of the world and the Wielgus Mark is the truth :W” That would do just fine.

Your courageous leader,

:W

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